Self-consciousness

That day, when he gave the wrong name for one of the twelve apostles, I made fun of him. "You are stupid. How can you forget his name? I know more than you do." I was acting like the smart seven-year-old though I was.

His face turned bright red like a tomato. Suddenly, something hard smacked my face, so fast I didn’t even know it was happening. Something kept hitting my face, my head, and my body -- everywhere. That something was that boy, who was hitting me as hard as he could.

When I fell off the chair, he shouted at me, "How dare you! You are just a Gizipea!"

After I heard that word, I feel like every thing just stopped. I saw people standing up, shouting, and trying to stop that boy who keeps trying to hit me, but I couldn’t hear anything. Only that sentence kept repeating inside my head.

‘You are just a Gizipea!’ This word, Gizipea doesn’t have right definition in English. It means ‘girl’, but this word is used to belittle women, like ‘nigger’. Now my face flushes red. I felt anger and distress mixed inside my mind and tried to explore it. I got up from the floor, and hit him as hard as I could. The boy tumble over, and I was standing there breathing hard like I was running. Suddenly I could feel something hot is falling in my eyes and gliding down my cheek. I was crying. "What!? What did you call me?"

"Gizipea! What’s wrong with that? You are just a girl! And how dare you call me stupid?"

"Say that again, and I’ll kill you!" I don’t remember what happened next. I think the Sunday schoolteacher shouted at us, and later she said something to him, and tried to makes me calm down. But I won’t ever forget how I cried, and hit him with my hands. It was the first time I realize I’m a girl born in Korea. I didn’t realize before now because no one in the family mistreated me because I was a girl. When I came back home I cried, and cried, and promise myself that next time if someone tries to mistreat me because I’m female, I’d punch his face.

The Boy who Seats Next to Me

The skies were blue, and the hot summer sun was burning. I wanted to go home and lie on the cold floor with ice cream in my hands, but I couldn’t. Because I was sitting in the hot, sticky classroom, looking at the 3rd grade book lying in front me. Mrs. Choi was standing in front of the class, and pointing out the students who were not looking at their books. Because of her, I tried to concentrate on the story we were reading.

It was a story about one girl who is my same age. In this story, she was having trouble with her younger brother. Every time they had a fight, their parents always shouted at her to not act like that because she is a girl. Girls have to act quiet and gentle- that’s what her parents were thinking. But her parents said nothing to their son because he is a boy, and boys are allowed to shout and fight with other people.

"This is stupid." He giggled. "This is all nonsense. How can women go work with men? The only thing they can do is just obey to their husband, and raised their children."

I was very surprised. I didn’t know there were boys who still thought like old people who do in there time period. "What?"

He turns his face and look at me. "What?"

"What did you say?"

"Say what?"

"About this story!"

He looked at me very curiously. He tried to think what he said about the book. Finally, he remembered. "Oh, nothing special. Nothing."

Right than, Mrs. Choi pointed at us, and gave us a warning. So I shut my mouth. A few minutes later, I talked to the boy who sat next to me more quietly than before. "No, you said something. You said women can’t work with men, and you said the only thing women can do is obey to their husband."

"Oh… that. Yes, I said that. So?"

"You are not supposed to say that. This is the 20th century women can work. They can love their husbands, but not obey them like a slave!"

"No, I disagree with you. Women are stupid. Men are the only people who can help poor stupid women who know nothing about the world."

After I heard those words from him I forgot I was sitting in classroom. I shouted at him. "Who said that?"

"Quiet! Both of you go out and stand at the hallway. Don’t come back to classroom until I say come in. Out!"

Finally Mrs. Choi shouted to us, and we were kicked out of the classroom. When we stood in the hallway, the boy who sat next to me looked at me with anger and hate. "Look what you have done…"

"I’m not finished. Who said that??"

He signed. "My dad, and my mom. So? You mean I’m wrong?"

After I heard that word, mom, I shut my mouth. I was so confuse. I could understand if his father has said that because he is male, but his mother… How could she said that!? She is a woman, and she makes herself a stupid, slave-like woman by herself.

The skies were blue, and the hot summer sun was burning. I promised myself that I wouldn’t marry, or if I did marry, I wouldn’t be a stupid woman like that.

My mom and I were looking at the back of the man who carrying a wagon with full of watermelon, walking very slowly in front of us. We were kind of busy because I had a doctor’s appointment at 3 o’clock. But there were so many tradesmen and people who were sailing and carrying fresh vegetables in the streets. It was my mom’s mistake that it would be a faster way to pass throught the busy market place.

We looked at the man with dislike. I was very tired because I was still having jetlag since I just had just armed back to Korea from Webb, and my mom was very busy because she had to go somewhere after the doctor’s appointment. We really wanted to go straight to the hospital, finish our to-do-list, and rest. But that man was walking very slowly right in front of the car and was not letting us pass through. My mom waited, and waited. But finally she was honked the horn. When he heard the sound of the horn, he turned. But he didn’t care and just kept walking slowly. He didn’t look sick, or old. He just ignored us even there through there were loads of cars waiting for us. Finally my mom opened the car window, and shouted to him. "Excuse me sir! Will you move to let us to pass through?"

He turned his head again, but he just fixed his eyes on the car and said something very rude. "Shut up, you bitch."

When my mom heard this word, she exploded. Suddenly, she took off her seatbelt, got out of her car, and shouted at him. "What did you said? What did you call me? Is that all you can say to me when I asked you politely to move a little bit? You buster! How dare you…"

I was so surprised when my mom grabbed his throat and shouted at him. Even that man looks surprised. My mom stopped yelling at him when people came out from the market and cars and tried to stop her but still she finished what she wanted to say. "…If I see you one more time, I’ll never let you to do that to anyone. Got that!?"

When my mom stopped yelling at him, and came back to her seat, finally a men moved to the side, and my mom drove as fast as she could. She looked really mad. I could see the tears on her eyes, but I couldn’t say anything because she might have had an accident at this speed. She didn’t go to the hospital, but went to straight back home. When she finally stopped her car, she spoke to me. "Darin…"

"Yes, ma’an." I answered right it back.

"You have to be brave. You have to be smart enough to not to make this happen again."

"I know."

"Still there are lots of stupid men who thinks they are better than women and hate woman if woman they lives a better life than he does. He cursed me just because I have a good, expensive car, but he would ignore me if I have a small, little cheap car. Don’t let them to act like that when you became adult. Don’t be afraid or shy because you are a woman."

"I know."

"You promise me that you will be the great a women who can show how you are great to that kind of man. You are Korean, and you are an Asian woman. I know it’s hard to study and live alone in another country if you are an Asian woman, but I know you will do your best. Never forget that I think you are the greatest daughter I have ever had."

"I promise, mom." I hug her as hard as I can. "I promise."