The Panty Gods by Laura Hampton

Just because they are so much older than me and wear training bras doesn’t mean a thing!  My sister is the worst of them all. I might as well just not breath. They always laugh at things “I am too young to know about,” or “I’ll understand one day when I’m older.”  I feel like I’m the fries on the side of the cheeseburger. 

 They are always at one of their houses. I never get to go unless my mom is going to one of their houses and then I am happy because I know she’ll protect me. 

I am so bored I want some friends that are my age that like me and want to hang out and walk around in my mom’s shoes and put on makeup like we could go somewhere. Or maybe it would just make me feel older so “I could understand things.”  But I am stuck with my sister and the other five neighborhood monsters.

Today they are at Stephanie and Michelle Oakes’s house. They’re probably watching “soaps,” whatever that is. I know it is some TV show that is really serious, and they all watch it everyday of the summer.

Ok, enough. I don’t care anymore. I’m going over there! I am not afraid! I’ll stay there all night if I have to! Training bra or no training bra doesn’t matter to me!

I shoved out the door.

I knocked and waited.

And waited.

And knocked again.

Finally, I banged on the glass door. My knuckles turned red. If only I had smooth hands with long fake nails painted dark red like roses. I’d love to have hands like those. I’d eat waffles and show my nails off when I fill up each little square with syrup.

“I know y’all are in there! I hear you! I’m not leaving till you let me in! I mean it!” Bang! Bang! Bang!

Suddenly, the door opened. “Hey, Laura Lou,” Stephanie said smiling.

She had panties on her head. I wasn’t too young to know that was weird. Though confused, I was happy to see her at the door rather than my sister.

Stephanie is so pretty, I wish I looked like her. She has beautiful black hair down to her shoulders that remind me of women’s smooth fur coats that make you want to touch and rub your cheeks in. She makes everybody laugh. When she laughs she shows these really white teeth that are nice and neatly close together. I think the reason why they look so white is because of her skin. She has light brown skin like a little bit of chocolate mixed in some caramel that’s been laid smoothly on her. She doesn’t look like my sister or me at all. I found out that her Mom, Michelle and her are from some island. It starts with a ‘P’. Philipeenes I think it is. Something like that. Her brown eyes are like the brown buttons in my mom’s button boxes. They remind me of my teddy bears’. She was the nicest to me out of all of them. She’ll definitely will understand me.

“What are ya’ll doin’? Why do you have your underwear on your head?” I asked.

“We’re worshipping the panty gods.”

“What! There is no such thing.” I said.

“No “I’m serious we really are. You’ve never heard of the panty gods?”

“NO WAY! Because you’re making it up!”

“Ok, you go home and get your favorite pair of panties, put them on your head, come back and you’ll see them.”

As crazy as it was I actually did what she asked.

I’m knocking on their door again but not as long as last time. Steph came to the door. I came in and laughed at her. She looked so funny with her underwear on her head. I followed her into the living room where my sister and Michelle were sitting on the living room floor with their panties on their heads! They were real quite and humming something. Stephanie and I sat down. We were in a circle. I couldn’t believe it; they were humming with their panties on their head. I wanted to laugh so hard. I did here and there but they told me to be quite because I was disturbing their concentration. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They started dancing and singing! After a while I began to believe them. So I start joining in and making a fool out of myself. There I was dancing and humming with my “idols”, with their underwear on their head. I was so happy I was included in something they were doing even if it meant wearing my underwear on my head.  But soon enough it didn’t last long.

They suddenly busted out with laughter and started rolling on the ground. They pulled their panties off their head laughing at me! I felt a sudden rush of embarrassment.  Wearing my underwear on my head played a big part in my discomfort. I felt like I had walked around town the whole day butt naked and didn’t even know about it.

I ripped my panties off my head quickly, tried not to cry, and ran out the door. Every time I saw them I was angry. I didn’t want to go to any of their houses for  a long time.

I think they realized how hurt I was. They apologized and asked me to come over more.

I watched soaps. They were so boring. I couldn’t understand why they’d waste the day on the couch watching them. But I did it anyway.

It was a horrible experience at the time but now I think back on it and laugh. It’s funny to think that wearing your underwear on your head can get you where you want to be.